Dating without a disguise
“For the first time I just turned up as myself.”
“We were both very comfortable really quickly.”
“He would not normally fit in to the boxes I made up in my head. I want to laugh at myself.”
These are some of the comments that were shared by clients during our first conversations on the Relationship Ready retreat.
What’s so rewarding about these observations is that they reflect what is possible with such a simple shift in focus. A clear appreciation of the role our mind plays in our perception of life.
When we are ‘out there’ in the dating arena, it can feel like we are up against it, sifting through a daunting array of odd people, uncomfortable behaviour and awkward situations. But are we really up against something that is ‘out there’?
It is so satisfying helping people see that when they are nervous or insecure, they become as weird and unlike themselves as their date becomes when dealing with the same distorted emotional state. So they are not really dealing with the reality of a strange person, they are seeing another human being not at their most natural self, and as most people don’t feel comfortable in themselves, their own filter system ramps up the weirdness.
The client quoted below was blown away to see how easy it was to settle down and relax, knowing it was only her own mind that was disturbing her, and delighted at how nice it felt to relax and just show up as herself. Our clients learn that feeling good starts with YOU, allowing you to switch from a ‘weird’ to enjoyable time with another person. Normal is the new weird!
Are you dating or interviewing for a role?
“For the first time last night I just listened. I usually interview (my dates). It was a really nice feeling”.
Can you relate to this comment?
It’s such a common thing to do, but often not viable as part of what you are mentally doing while on a date. This realisation came out of working with many people who had felt that the only reason they were single is because they had not got it right! They had not been specific enough (right line of work, right financials, right eating habits etc.) or not looked in the right places.
I am often told that previous experiences had been hurtful, left them hopeless, but when they had come around to the conclusion and resolve, they just needed to try harder, be more careful and specific so they will not get hurt again and feel a failure.
What too often and invisibly ends up happening is this results in them turning up to their dates with intensity, drive, focus and some level of suspicion. A great start to finding a more meaningful connection right?
Of course it’s not. But this is done out of innocence.
What people don’t realise is that they can trust their mind when it’s quiet. We help people learn how to take themselves off the hook and show up in enjoyment mode not in interview mode, so that if there is a spark or genuine connection, they will not miss it.